Hello darkness, my old friend

I recently went back and read my old blog posts and was so pleased with my past self for being so strong, resilient and grounded. It is kind of funny and maybe even hubris to feel that way but life has changed so much for me in the past few years, that I feel far removed from the girl writing about love, bathrooms and happiness.

My days today are filled with diapers, 12 hours of meetings, stress, and sippy cups. I hardly get the opportunity to wash my hair (thank goodness for working from home) and I cannot respond to a text message in a reasonable amount of time.

And yet I am still the same girl who cares about love, bathrooms, and happiness (and champagne, sorry I couldn’t just leave that part out). When I created this space, I gave it the tagline Cultivate happiness through chaos, and yet somewhere along the way I left happiness out of it and quite simply allowed chaos to take over, turn into stress which quickly led to burnout. Burnout and recovery is a story for another day, but today I just wanted to spend some time happy-typing. I am on my laptop all day long, far too long for one human but at the end of the day what makes me happy is writing. Writing = rest for me, more so than crawling onto the couch and watching TV (though DO NOT snooze on Ted Lasso), or even sleeping. It restores my energy and makes me happy.

I had thought about it of course, that I missed writing. But it wasn’t until this week when two separate people told me I need to keep writing did I really stop to think about why I had stopped in the first place. The way it was said to me in both scenarios mattered, and made me reflect on why it mattered at all. I feel so grateful to have finally found my voice after searching for so long. I have to take my own advice from 2017 me, who said right here on this very channel “Never allow yourself to be in the passenger seat of your journey. It is yours, remain an active participant. It is kind to please others but never in the dispense of yourself.” And while I never did dispense myself, I certainly put her in the trunk for a bit. But she’s found a way to crawl right back into the driver’s seat.

Cheers xx

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